Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
