if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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