when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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