Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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