margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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