Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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