I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
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