So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
