forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
