Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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