Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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