sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
