just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
