Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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