walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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