This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
