While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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