Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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