On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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