I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
