i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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