He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Drunk is a universal language darling
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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