i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
