remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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