so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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