well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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