he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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