the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
