saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.