I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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