I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
