I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
