On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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