tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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