On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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