did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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