I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
