so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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