I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
