she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
