the condom got lost in my hair
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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