he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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