and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
