walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
