this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
