I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
