Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
