when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
