Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
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there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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