thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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