You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
