I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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