So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
BRING THE BAGELS
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
