Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
