How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
