Got a toothbrush?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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